Tequila Toothbrush

Who'd have guessed - the Toothbrush is the root of all evil ...

Ain't no headlights on the road tonight

Ain't nobody here to make it right

Cos we couldn't seem to find a way, for love to stay

"The Last Goodbye" -Atomic Kitten -

Well, I guess I can’t be surprised really. It was far too good to be true, hence far too good to last...In the Philosopher, I found everything I’d ever needed, and never knew I wanted. I had a lovely thoughtful boyfriend, who never once mucked me about (except when he disappeared “camping” … but that really wasn’t his fault. Story for another day) and constantly made me smile, whether I was with him or not. The moment he comes into my view, I just absolutely hurl myself into those big arms of his, feeling the warmth of affection and security.

And his smile absolutely lights up the room. He’d wear this faint frown as he manoeuvres the crowd, and as soon as he spots me, his eyes go wide, and I get that cheeky “Hello, darling” smile. I know the look, I know the feeling. That “she’s mine, that’s my girl.” look.

All the same, I’ve ended up in the same place.

Hurt. Heartbroken. Missing him desperately.

My first sign of danger (as I realise in retrospect) was when I attended my friend’s wedding in England (of course I went back!). The bride’s sister-in-law and I were waxing lyrical about Mr. Darcy and how we were in such perfect surroundings for him to come galloping by and sweep us (me!) off my feet. When she asked me if I was seeing anyone, I happily told her I was, and if she could believe it, he wasn’t Darcy, but a Bingley!

This woman who’d only known me for about an hour went absolutely still. She looked at me and said seriously, “But Vix, you are not Jane.” Shocked, I let her words sink in as she continued. “You’re Elizabeth.”

And my one solid thought was, how true.

But I was crazy about my Philosopher – wasn’t I? Or was I just crazy about the idea that he was crazy about me? He made me happy, he made me laugh. But … I knew in my hearts of hearts, it wasn’t love.

And yet, I wanted it to work. Despite all the odds.

" If you had another night to give

I would have another night to live

But you're never gonna see me cry the last goodbye"

I thought I was dignified in the break-up. No begging or pleading. It was for a stupid reason – at least a stupid thing set it off, and I was incensed at first. I actually told him it was his regret and his loss, and if he wanted me out of his life, I’ll be happy to oblige him. I didn’t want someone stupid in my life.

What happened? Upon leaving his bachelor pad in Amsterdam (and I use the term loosely – I was running late for work.) he suddenly realised my toiletries were still scattered on his bathroom counter just before he locked the front door.

Most conspicuous of which, was my toothbrush. I just dismissed it and uttered the fateful words, “Let’s go”. Without a care in the world. I’d spent every weekend there since we met, in fact, I was coming back in 2 days. I didn’t think anything of it … but he did. The moment he heard me, the moment what I said registered in his mind - our eyes met, and in that one instant my whole world fell apart. I’m not being dramatic. The light just absolutely disappeared out of his eyes … and I just knew. The whole time back to the train station was this unnerving feeling – he was absolutely squirming out of my grasp. He kissed me goodbye, but he was already gone.

It was the last goodbye - from the magic of that first kiss to the half-hearted goodbye and last "Darling" at the train station ...

There was nothing I could do. I left to return to the Hague, and I didn’t hear from him for 3 days. When I did hear from him, it was inevitable. It was the 2 words I didn’t want to hear.

“It’s over.”

Isn’t it just like me to get dumped over a Toothbrush?

Is it cloudy where you are tonight?

Are the neon lights shining bright?

Are you looking for a place to stay - to get away?

I miss him, but I know we broke up for the right reason. He is right – we are at different stages in our lives. The Toothbrush symbolises marriage and babies, and he simply is not going to be man enough for that challenge in too long. At least not with me, and do give the man points for his courage and honesty. He never did muck me about, and was honest from the start. I will always appreciate this about him.

He does know me. I do want babies. And a Happily ever After. We took it as far as we could go. I think I always knew, even from the beginning, that he wasn’t the One. However, unlike Rex, I only think of the Philosopher with love and affection. He still puts a smile on my face. He’s what I waited these 4 long years for – he mended my broken heart. The Philosopher gave me a new hope; he’s taught me what a relationship should and can be like … but above all, he taught me to believe again. My One is out there, and I’m whole again thanks to the Philosopher.

“And the truth is that we'll never know where love will flow"