Champagne Wishes 2009

TOP 7 THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN IN THE YEAR 2009

1. PhD 2009 – I will move back to Europe by September 2009.

2. Tiffany blue proposal by Christmas 2009. (alert Vera and book that dream castle for a June 2010 wedding!)

3. Travel – I will go to Cambodia and make both Katie’s weddings in the summer of 2009, wherever they chose to tie the knot. (Try to keep it close, guys, since its only 2 weeks apart!)

4. Extra-curricular activities – more than my happily active social life which thankfully is on the up and up since Nov 2008, I will start salsa lessons, continue belly dancing and taking up riding again.

5. I will forgive Singapore … and wish Rex and his chosen partner well.

6. The One - A certain blast from the past is on the cards, since I can cross off the list the following: my 16 year old crush (Driano), my college jock "dream" guy(Dr. Dish/Dense), my ideal man (Mr. Perfect), only ONE remains – Maverick. I haven’t seen him in nearly 10 years, but I will this year, and finally resolve this Chapter in the Life of Vix. Could it be that he’s the One and the timing has not been right until now?

7. Turn 30 in grand style.

Gin Gratitude

TOP 7 THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR TO HAVE HAPPENED IN 2008

1. Friendship -Finding not 1 but 2 new BFF’s – Rina & Deirdre, welcome to my life. May you have a nice long stay! :P It goes without saying, I am grateful for the newly formed group friends – may our very new and exciting friendship continue to blossom and grow!

2. Healing - Australia – not just the much needed break, but the discovery of the Secret and my Secret Guru who have most certainly changed my life. Or at least helped me with my past hurt and pains in clearing the way for a healthier Me.

3. My brother -The health and happiness of my baby brother in realizing his dreams. (and having settled down in Ireland, a spare bedroom in Dublin’s fair city anytime I want!)

4. PhD 2009 - The finding of a new dream

5. Tia Maria – the light of my life. She may not be the golden retriever I long dreamed of, but she’s my favourite of all my dogs (sorry, Sheba and Lady, may you RIP). What is it I always say? Maybe you don’t get what you want, but you’ll always get what you need.

6. My promotion (but will the additional income here already!). Okay, okay, in the situation of the world today, I am grateful to not only still have a job, but to also have received my bonus!

7. Rediscovering the London Vixen – albeit a more mature version with the battle scars to prove it. However, thankfully, there’s more sweet than bitterness in my soul.

Pimm's Philosophy

For my Philosopher:

"Schatje - I missed you today. I'm going on the first "real" date since OUR First Date, and I know it will not be the same. You've set the bar up so high - I'm so scared no one will ever come close again. I've thought about you all day - more than I thought about my outfit or what I'm going to say or do. I'm hardly excited about this guy, not in the way I was excited about you. I'm hardly thinking of where we're going or what we're going to say, or if there will be any sparks.

I know I should go with an open mind and open heart, and I endeavour to try ... but as far as First Dates go - you're the best I ever had. (actually, as far as EVERYTHING goes ....). Big kus!

Bacardi Butterflies

As the world keeps spinning round

You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend

Lucky to have been where I have been

Lucky to be coming home again

I'm lucky we're in love every way

Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed

Lucky to be coming home someday

"Lucky"

-Colby Caillat & Jason Mraz-

I don’t remember the last time I felt like this.

Like I was walking on air. I’ve had this constant sappy grin on my face and this song is playing on repeat in my mind. I was just complaining to my daily confidant, D, how at the ripe old age of 29, I despaired of ever feeling this way again.

Excited…. butterflies my stomach doing a tribal war-dance. Fun, floaty … dreamy.

Hopeful.

I keep telling myself I couldn’t possibly be in love. It can’t be. I don’t know Driano ... I don't know who he is now. But the imagery in my head is so vivid. Like D said, the bond that we had all those years ago was so strong … surely we can get it back? I don’t hate or resent him for what happened between us. We drifted, it happens to all of us. And yet, in a weird way, I feel like I know him still.

In his daily (DAILY, guys, DAILY!) correspondence with me, I feel the familiarity, the affection, the friendship. Not just that, I fancy him, so much. Like, right down to my gut. He’s travelling at the moment, so I’ve given him a few days before I would worry … I’m TRYING HARD to hold on to the positive feelings (though my more cautious friends are worried about my imagination going at 100miles an hour) – anyway, his last reply ended with, “I need to start dating again”.

I hope he means me.

There I said it. I’m not going to ENTERTAIN any negative vibes until I have to. This could be It … it feels right. I feel so lucky, that everything we’d gone through had circled back to this … and I can be grateful for it. And if we’re meant to be, the feeling is like coming home again.

Driano is no stranger to me. I know him. Jaysus, we grew up together. Driano has that on Rex. We’re both anglophile Malaysians – but whereas we have to speak proper Queen’s English with our British friends, with each other, Driano and I can revert back to the Manglish of our youth. Shared jokes and memories that only ones who grew up together can understand. More so than Rex, with this guy, I am completely, 100% me. I never thought it possible... it never ever even occured to me!

Driano used to live so close to me that not only could I walk to his house, but he used to pick me up on the way to the playground so I/we could walk my dog. Poor deceased Lady, he had such a good time with my posh pedigree pooch. I used to watch him play hockey with the boys, and then he’d walk me back home before it got too dark.

How sweet are those memories? This happened almost every evening whether or not we stayed late at school. Then after dinner, he'd call me (like clockwork, every other day) and we'd talk till we both got sleepy. How many times had I seen through a Friday night with him and talked all the way to dawn on Saturday? Sharing confidences, sharing our hopes and dreams … it was very special. I don't know how I convinced myself it was nothing in those days. What can I say ... I had 0 confidence then. I don't want to make the same mistake again, you know? I feel God has opened the door once again for me, giving me a second chance to have a crack at this ... and I can't let it just go like that!

For all my friends who are so worried about me and running herd trying to tie me down to earth, I thank you – but I have to enjoy this ride. Like D says, “If you don't have a little dream about these things, if you don't have that little bit of hope - you'd be in danger of dismissing something that could potentially be pretty wonderful.”

I just have to know, one way or another. I don't have it in me not to get excited, NOT to give this a chance ... its such a blessing, you know? And I'm HAPPY. I feel like I'm floating on air ... how many 29 year olds can say that?!!! I thought I was done with all this kind of fancy ... I thought I was jaded already.

Not so long ago, one of my oldest friends had looked at me sadly and said, “What happened to you? You used to be one of the most optimistic people I ever knew.”

It hit me right in the gut. And I too, wondered what happened to that girl ….

Regardless what happens next, Driano has given that back to me. He brought back the butterflies And there's a lot so be said for that.

Just that.

Dom Destiny?

Is it really written in the stars?

"We are merely the star's tennis balls, struck and bandied which way may please them"

Duchess of Malfi, John Webster

Birthday baby ....

I’m not sure what the hell is going on in Vixen land. I just know its come to a turning point. I feel a huge corner has been taken, but where this road leads to, I have no idea. But Someone does!

I know the last thing everyone heard was me going ga-ga over a Frenchman (who turned out to be “a little bit engaged” BAH! Bloody French Bastard!) But it’s kind of difficult to remember all that disappointment in light of recent events...

A week before my birthday, I was starved for excitement; and Aoirish just happened to be there at the right time and right place. (How is it that the Spawn of Satan always knows when you're at your weakest?) What started off as an innocent, quiet dinner (you all should know by now that NOTHING with Aoirish is ever “innocent” or “quiet”) – ended up to be a wild night out at Zouk. (What ELSE is new?!)

I maintain to date I had no idea how much I was drinking. Aoirish, knowing my sensibilities would be diluted with the increasing alcohol intake, made sure my glass was never empty. It culminated in about 20 shots being sent over to our table. Aoirish swore to high heavens she had no idea where they came from, but there they were, and they had to be drunk. I also vaguely recall her saying, “Its only sugar, Vix, drink up!” Tequila shots, they weren’t, but until today, I have no idea what they were!

Later my more sober friend was to tell me not only did she see Aoirish go up to the bar, she also saw her SIGN FOR THE BILL. Bah! A leopard never changes its spots. A good lesson to remember. Especially a snake out of Ireland. It cannot be denied that she is fun, though. Dangerously so.

So, there I was, drunker than I had been in … well, since I was in Galway and stumbled into Connor’s eager arms, (lest we forget, which was also as a result of Aoirish refilling my glass at every opportunity) – when who did I stumble into this very night – but Driano.

You’ll recall me writing about him a long time back, when we found each other on Facebook. He’s based in the UK now, and was often in Holland. But we never did meet up, nor was I even all that bothered to … in the end. I was far more excited about my life in Holland than an unexpected blast from the past.

But now I had 9 months in Malaysia under my belt, and was no longer cheered by my amazing life. I was about to turn 29 (there, I said it!) in exactly a week, and was even MORE depressed by that thought. I hadn’t had a date in 9 months, and my vow of celibacy was going far too well. In fact … I hadn’t even kissed anyone in 9 months.

“Try on a daring mood when it comes to romance as the week gets going! Make the first move. Let a certain something out of the bag. Whether you're coupled up or single, the universe would love to see you acting bold now! Then, a conscious shift in your frame of mind is good for your heart around Thursday and Friday. “

Later I discovered that’s what my horoscope had said. Buoyed by Dutch courage, I was most certainly in a daring mood. Perhaps Driano was not as drunk as I was, but he was all over me too. When he held on to me (as I hung off him in that way drunken girls do), my mind raced over all the possibilities. Later, Aoirish told me, I was a woman on a mission. I had said to her, “I’m going to kiss him.”

…. And I did.

13 years later. What is it with my life? First revisiting my crush with Dr. Dish (someone DRIANO at introduced me to!), and now this. Driano, is the Defining Crush of my life. While Rex may have broken my heart, but Driano introduced me to Men. Is it just that there truly is no men left in KL for me, and I have to just go back to all the boys I’d already liked before?

“On the 9th and 10th, don't worry: there's a lot of romance in store for you. Don't be surprised if you find out the two of you have more in common than you thought -- including a huge crush on each other.”

Eerily, I’d been following my horoscope as it seems to be all about my life. This is something else I read on from that fateful encounter. And I can’t help but wonder … what if it is true? Driano could most certainly be the One. I’d been holding off getting excited because I didn’t hear from him, and he went back to the UK, and I thought that was that. Worse, he not only didn’t acknowledge what happened, he disappeared on me.

Then came my birthday, and he was one of the first few to send me a birthday message. An affectionate, familiar one. And in writing back, we have slowly started to communicate now. I don’t know the 30-year-old Driano. I don’t know what he’s done or who he’s become or how he’s grown up. So far, he seems to be a nicer, more eloquent, confident person than the insecure arrogant macho 16 year old I remembered (and was hopelessly obsessed about.) My feelings are for that 16 year old … but I can’t help but feel the butterflies once again.

It has been oh so long since I felt these butterflies.

He says he hopes to see me when he gets back at Christmas. I just have to wonder at the possibilities. … "Also, you have Jupiter in your true love sector, but Jupiter hasn't been working for you because it was in retrograde since early May. Now, on September 8, Jupiter will bolt forward, and you'll note a bewitching trend start up. For the first time in a long time, all conditions will be right to find true and lasting love. Trust that the universe has not forgotten you, dear Virgo. You are about to be the number one celestial favourite for finding and enjoying true love from now through December."

Soulmate Sherry

Do you believe in Soulmates?

I read something interesting today. Your soulmate isn’t someone you can’t live without, rather someone you can make a life with. I keep getting asked more and more these days, #1 Do I believe in soulmates – where the answer was immediate – yes, and #2 Do I think I have met my soulmate?

I’m a bit more hesitant to answer the #2. In my heart, the answer is yes, absolutely. Unfortunately, this means the answer to Question #3 – Do you believe you can make a life without your soulmate has to be – I have to.

Till today, no doubt, Rex has come closest to claiming my Soulmate Crown. Even after he hooked up wit the Singaporean, I got a midnight visit beseeching me to be in his life, as he thought of me as his soulmate and "no one will ever know him better in this lifetime." So what – he still left my room for hers at the end of that plea, completely ignoring the heartbreak still in my eyes. If this was my soulmate – all hope was gone for a happily ever after.

I’m not sure if its because he was my first love, my first serious boyfriend, my first …. everything, really, and I don’t know any better, or its because I still haven’t met Him.

I hope and pray everyday that it is the latter ....

When the Philosopher entered my life, all sunshine and fresh air, I was besotted. It wasn’t the sick kind of obsessive "love" I shared with Rex, it was just lovely, and sweet. I don’t know if it was because it was his first relationship, and thus, the boy was still fresh-faced and idealistic, or because the two of us really did make beautiful music together. I loved our relationship – I describe it as simply lovely, almost innocent, and pure …. And very very happy.

When Rex wasn’t with me, I drove myself mental wondering where he was and what he was up to and why he wasn’t calling me. When I was "forced" to go out – I spent all night on the phone, texting him, telling him I loved him, that I couldn’t wait to go back to be with him. It was sick. I couldn’t breathe if he wasn’t within arms reach. It drove all my friends to despair, but I couldn’t see how unhealthy it was at the time.

But Rex was no different. Being almost a recluse, he rarely went anywhere without me or his best friend. Once, an old school friend of theirs threw the biggest shindig of the season in his country estate. Entire buses had been hired to chauffeur the old boys to the venue. Despite Rex and his BFF getting their tuxedo’s done and dusted, Rex kept wailing to me how he didn’t want to go, how he’d rather have spent the weekend with me in his p.j’s.

I made him go, a part of me not wanting to go myself and meet all his posh public school educated friends. Me, who had never shied away from a challenge in all my life! I’ve dated a Duke’s son as as well as a Baron, and I couldn’t take on a bunch of poncy arsed tossers?

I don’t know who that girl was, but she wasn’t me.

True to form, he’d texted me all night, telling me how much he missed me. One of them asked me to sleep in his bed, so he knew exactly where I was and could picture it in his mind. And the final one, at 4am, saying he couldn’t take it anymore, and he was on his way home to me. He got in about 9, and as promised, I was in his bed, waiting, my heart bursting with love for him.

I thought it was a measure of how much he loved me. I was wrong.

I never wanted to be half a person, and needing another to complete me. Neither did Rex. We were both headstrong, fiercely independent individuals that turned to mush without each other. We couldn’t go through life like this, and he recognised it before I did.

I know I will never love like that again. And I am grateful for it. It took every last bit of my energy and emotion to be in that relationship. And getting over it was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life.

No, I want to settle down with a man like the Philosopher. Someone who lets me be free, and encourages me to be myself. Someone who walks beside me, not someone who’s tugging me along his path in life. Someone who makes me laugh, not cry. Rex always said what a beautiful smile I had, but with an absent look or a sharp word, he’d wipe it away in a flash. The waterworks wouldn’t stop throughout my whole relationship, but the Philosopher never made me cry once, except with joy.

I remember the first morning after well. I was to catch a train at noon for a weekend away in Brussels, and he needed to catch an early train to get to work on time. Still not really that into him all that much, I was fast asleep as he showered and dressed. Selfishly, I’d hoped he’d let me sleep in and catch the bus by himself but he beseeched me to wait with him for the bus. Not really caring how I looked, I pulled on the nearest available clothes and sleepily walked with him. As we passed by the hallway mirrors, I gasped in horror at my morning face, going "You know I’m capable of looking better than this!"

His answer simply was "You’re beautiful." Whether I’m dressed up or dressed down, in my p.j’s or my best MAC mask, the boy adored me and I never once doubted it.

I sat on his lap, as we awaited the bus. It was so obvious we were in post-coital bliss, and for the first time, I realised everyone was staring at us in smiles. The old, the young, even the dogs seemed to be grinning at our newfound love. When the bus finally came, it was full of these little old ladies, the only people who were awake so early on a Saturday morning. He kissed me sweetly in goodbye, but kept looking back to blow me kisses, not caring that he had an audience.

Feeling my heart melt, I too, turned into a shy teenager. I shyly waved in return, my brown-eyed gaze locked onto his big innocent blue one. And saw the faces of the old ladies looking at me with such pleasure, to witness the joy of the first blush of young love in the summertime.

The Philosopher may not have been my first love, but it seemed as if I was his. And by being with me, he gave me a second chance to enjoy it, and this time, only take away the good memories with me.

Frangelico Failure?

So, it’s Week 5 of my French class with the Lurve God. (Swoon swoon) First of all, right off, he walks right up to my table (now, second row due to the fact I absconded my first row seat when I was absent last week) and puts down my homework on my table and told me I didn’t miss much last week. 2 reasons why I’m chuffed #1 – he knows my name!!!!, #2 – he noticed I was not around last week! (And perhaps missed me a little??)

In addition to him using my name again (he doesn’t use many names in class, but he uses MINE!!!) Okay, I understand that is it the teensiest bit pathetic that I’m ecstatic that a TEACHER remembered MY NAME. I can read too, guys!) – the touchy-feeliness has continued. But I have noticed now, as he gets comfortable in class, he is quite tactile with the other students as well.

So maybe I’m not so special after all? After all, he is FRENCH! The nation of natural-born flirts.

Fast forward to break time. Determined to make the most of the break, I attempted to follow him out for his cigarette break. He caught the tail end of my "smoking is bad for you" and gave me a cheeky wink. "I know". AND CONTINUED WALKING AWAY.

Sigh. But I’m not taking this personally as he went to the administration office as they came looking for him before. As I danced around outside the office waiting for him …. His mate, Jean came by and started chatting to me.

And chatted to me. And chatted to me some more. It lasted ALL THROUGH BREAK.

Zizou came by us and muttered something in French too quickly for me to catch, but Jean turned to me and said, "I think I just lost a friend."

NOW WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!!!!

Zizou goes outdoors for his cig (finally being released by the office administration) and keeps gesturing to me and pointing to his eye in the "I’m watching you" way.

WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO MEAN????

Mission a complete and utter failure? It seemed as much when I returned to class after break, having had my ENTIRE break time monopolised by the less cute, though so eager Jean.

AND THEN!

Just as I was walking out of class at the tail end, Zizou asks me if I got the imperfect tense okay, and if there’s anything else he could do for me, etc, etc. I stopped to ask the first question that came to my head, and he GRABS MY HAND excitedly and goes, "Oh, thank you for reminding me, I’ve been SAVING this for you," Don’t get too excited, it was only some notes on the imperfect tense BUT all I could think was – THIS MAN IS HOLDING MY HAND!!!!!

Straight to brain freeze.

When I just stuttered a thank you, he went on about how "indeed, it was his sole pleasure in life, don’t mention it at all, he looks forward to seeing me…" (a lot of this was in French, but I’ve tried to translate what I could). Then I said, "Have a good weekend" and he said (SUGGESTIVELY, I thought!) "My weekend starts now…"

AND WASN’T THAT A PERFECT OPP TO ASK HIM – what he’s doing, where he hangs out and maybe we can do something together, hint hint, nudge nudge, wink wink?

I soooo failed at this. My tongue continued to be tied, and staring down and where he clasped my hand.

In that very HIGH SCHOOL WAY ….

And now, let me ASK you back, in this very high school way – WHAT DO YOU THINK? DO YOU THINK HE LIKES ME???

Or he’s just toying with me!!!! Bloody French bastard!