Vodka Vision

Don’t Drink and Text – Especially the Ex!

Okay, so he’s not an Ex, as such, but it’s still sound advice. But I must elaborate on how I was driven to it.Yes, driven! Contrary to my first excerpt, life truly isn’t all champagne wishes and caviar dreams, as we well know.

Let me set the scene. There I was, feeling like a party, for the first time in ages. Yes, there’s the excess weight gain (again, to quote my favourite heroine, I’m going to have to tell Mr. Darcy "And yes, I will always be just a little bit FAT." Too much Bridget in my life! If there ever was a Malaysian version, you’ve met her!), but by some miracle, outfit I assembled - okay, my SISTER (helped) assembled after I’d discarded the majority of the contents of my wardrobe, wasn’t showing too much of my 3 spare tires.

I hadn’t feel fanciable for a good 3 weeks now… it no coincidence that it was the exact period of time since I told Dr. Dish to "lose my number". But I was determined that I had taken the high road, and this was best. I was the aloof, cool, Ice-Queen Professional Woman and no emotional fuckwit was going to mess around with me!

So, there I was, with my dancing shoes on, when the other half of my Guinness combo came roaring up my driveway at half past 9, I was well up for a good night out. Why Guinness? My party partner, Aoirish, is as fair (blonde and blue eyed) as I am dark – messy dark hair that never behaves itself (though thankfully, tonight, it was in its gypsy curls fashion on its best party temperament that night) with dark eyes to match, her Mam had thought the nickname apt. The nic has since stuck; despite the fact we’re both vodka women!

Aoirish has recently become involved with Older Man. It’s made more complicated by the fact she’s mates with his (soon-to-be) ex wife. However, as this is my story and not hers, so that brief intro is all you’re going to get! I had not seen Aoirish as often as I’d liked since Mr. Smooth came into the picture, as is the usual practice when one’s girlfriend meets a New Man.

Moving along swiftly! Aoirish was meeting Mr. Smooth for after work drinks at his regular watering hole, and I was promised some fit men. I soon found out there were none...

None eligible, that is. Mr. Smooth’s work buddy, Mr. Suave was cute, and definitely up my alley, but for the fact there was a wedding ring flashing on his finger. I’m not ever helping a Married Man cheat (ever again! I had my one …and there goes the quota!) But there was always vodka ....

I met a few people I knew – KL is such a "tempurung" sometimes (like the katak under the tempurung?) Most surprising of all, was my high school friend, Spaz. I swear he had a crush on me in high school however as he never asked me out officially (story of my life!), I had never quite believed he liked me romantically.

We had a nice time catching up on our lives – at first. We’re both adults now and living in completely different worlds, but it doesn’t change the fact we shared some good times way back in the day. I walked away from our conversation feeling cheered. ("Buttons" had come on, especially dedicated for me, and Mr. Smooth and Mr. Suave were entertaining the masses with a strip tease. I needed a closer look. No crime in window shopping was there?)

A few vodka’s on; I was caught in a tête-à-tête with Mr. Suave, and was genuinely trying to escape the charms of those suggestive brown eyes. Another vodka or so, and I may have forgotten my Married Men Rule. (I try to stand very strongly on this one!) But it’s always nice to feel fanciable, and older men like Mr. Smooth and Mr. Suave were masters of the game, having been there, done that, and bought the T-shirt. They know precisely what to say to a girl to get into her pants. I just don’t want to be that girl (anymore).

I was comforted when Spaz joined me, apparently to show me pictures of his 18-year-old girlfriend. I was more amused than appalled at his display of the proud "ha ha, I got me some teen ass" machoness. The Spaz I knew wasn’t a bad person at all, underneath all the bluster. I know insecurity, and have experienced the over-compensation for the lack of confidence many a time. However, I was not equipped to deal with it when I wasn’t expecting it to be directed at me!

After doing the usual "Way Da Go" pat-on-the back, he smiled at me in smug acknowledgement of his greatness. He said and I quote (directly!) "I gotta admit – you’ve put on some weight, eh?" Ladies and gentlemen, Clanger #1. My jaw dropped open in sheer shock at the unexpected rudeness. Weren’t Malaysian men aware what polite anymore? I stared at him in a complete loss.

He then laughed, putting his arm around my admittedly fleshy waist, and continued (Clanger#2) "But you still have your lovely personality,"

I know what this meant. Guys only described women as having "lovely personality" when they wouldn’t do you with a bag over your head, but would laugh at your jokes at the dinner table. However, believe it or not, the worst was yet to come. The piece de resistance was Spaz’s final jab. "Remember when you used to be hot?" (Clanger #3) and with that, he walked away, all over my fragile confidence.

I had to escape, and absolutely bolted to the loos. And that’s where it happened. Back to Dr. Dish. The phone was just there, the number not yet erased as I had commanded him to. Absolutely begging me to let him come and er, "comfort" me, as only he could.

Sod pride. I needed the ego boost, and he was just THERE, a phone (booty) call away. All 6 feet tall of gorgeous man, those dreamy eyes and big sheepish "aw, shucks, ma’am, I didn’t know any better" smile to boot!

In my drunken despair, my "Can we be "friends" again?" completely eradicated every power-packed punch of my (now infamous) "Lose my number!"

However, as I woke up with a smile on my face … I can’t complain just yet.